Managed to catch Nirmala this time when I visted Nashik (in October); or rather she caught me. She saw me slipping-by and called out to me as if I was a thief. I was slowing heading towards the washroom at the Infant Jesus Shrine in Nashik, after my stay with my slum family. She saw my hunch across the hall and through the window. I guess she saw my bag first. Over the years, my bags have become synonymous with me. They are like extension of my identity.
Anyway, she recognized me and could not contain her excitement. “Aye fellow! Where were you running away!” Her hands swung in my direction in her trademark style. We spoke for long this time. For the first time in 3 years, I could speak to her without the fear of being late or being caught. I realized this as the talk went on and on. What seemed to be a 10-minute interruption was almost an hour of consolation and rejuvenation. I wanted to meet someone else (Cheryl who stays across the street) but didn’t bother to interrupt till I had an official appointment to look into (the chief reporter of Deshdoot, Nashik).
She is still the same – the excitement in her voice, the maternal instincts in her tone and the concern in her words. She sounded genuine like always. In the past, her spontaneity was always interrupted abruptly by my former Master. This time he wasn’t around to do the un-required. He wasn’t controlling me and I was delighted. Today, I was free from his unnecessary bonds of insecurity.
The concern she displayed to me this time round spanned over years of experience. She told me stories of old, from the innumerable years of experience of dealing with Jesuits (and former Jesuits) that life has reserved for her. We’ve all seen her flair in connecting to Jesuit novices… or rather, Jesuit novices reciprocate to her maternal love that they miss in the novitiate in the dryness of days... subconsciously.
All novices know her as Nirmala, no prefix or suffix required. No additional ‘ji’ to denote respect. Everyone respected her… but it was beyond the mandatory ‘aap’ of Hindi and ‘tumhi’ of Marathi.
Finally to conclude the discussion, she spoke of God’s plan for me. God’s plan beyond human actions… and the God who allows difficult situations for greater ideas. He is brilliant beyond words but we fail to acknowledge it only because we do not understand. This time I believed in these words. For the first time in the past few months, I could sense the gravity and fullness in my belief in God’s plan for me. I had made that leap today – when I met her!
In addition, the emphasis this time was on ‘greater’. This time I believed in the greater… majorem… magis… after all these months, I could see it and believe in it… that God has something greater in store. This greater is not quantitative. It is just immeasurably good. It is not an assurance of peace and joy but of his utility of me. The utility that will give me my sense of fulfillment and achievement.
From being underestimated and under-utilized with the Jesuits, to living a life of being fully human and fully alive. How dear those words have been to me since someone scribbled them in a card describing me! The words of St. Iraneaus that summarises my vocation as a human. The conviction that was once visible in my eyes. This is what is in store is for me… and the conviction is life-transforming.
I’ve taken my time in accepting and changing… and it is due to my own character. I indulge in my own endothermic and exothermic reactions. :) now, I feel like I have arrived!
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